Dear Mom – a letter to my mother as I plan my wedding




Thank you for the update on my Uncle.  I will be very disappointed if Aunt Eleanor and Uncle Ken can’t attend our wedding, I know that they really want to attend to show their God Daughter their support.  I’m so sad that Uncle Ken’s chemo isn’t going well, he doesn’t deserve to suffer.  He is an amazing man, father, husband and Episcopalian human being.  Cancer is horrible.


I am getting MARRIED in October, it is not “a THING” and if you can’t respect me as a human and as an adult, please don’t refer to it at all.  My partner has a name, her name is Jenn, please respect her enough as a human to refer to her by her name as well.  I am pretty amazing person.  I am loving, kind, considerate, honest, loyal and I treat others with respect and in the way in which I want to be treated.  Do not ask me to change or tell me that I need to change.  God loves me just the way that I am.  God accepts me just the way that I am.




This is how Jenn proposed to me.  I’ve never been able to share this with you, it was pretty amazing though, just like her.


There are so many things in this life and in this world that matter, supporting a healthy loving relationship between two humans who love and respect each other that doesn’t quite fit into your black and white rule book is ridiculous.   Depriving a child of time because they aren’t following your rules is more hurtful than you could ever imagine.  Your oldest daughter being married with her parents there to support her is very important and you choosing to not being there, is hurtful.  I am growing my hair out for my WEDDING, a wedding that I have planned, organized, orchestrated and collaborated WITHOUT MY MOTHER.  What mother does that?  Deprives their child of their presence because they don’t agree with their child’s partner?  If I had chosen a rapist or an abuser I can see your not supporting that relationship, however my partner is kind, considerate, respectful, loves me unconditionally, is a public servant, a supportive sister and friend to everyone, your not accepting and supporting our relationship is not ok.





If you choose to not attend our wedding, I don’t know that I will ever be able forgive that voluntary absence as a stance to withhold your love and support of me.  Jenn’s mother CAN’T be here.  MY MOTHER and FATHER are being a stubborn MULES and CHOOSING to not attend, that is not ok.  I have for a very long time remained relatively quiet for one reason or another.  Dad was sick, you were sick, other children needed to be the focus but this is my time.  This is my wedding, a day I will only have once in my life because I have found the one where my heart is at home with, my life partner.


I did not choose to be born, you got to pick that part.  You raised me to be respectful, kind, considerate, hard working, diligent and to stand for what I believe in.  You raised me to be an independent adult with my own thoughts and beliefs that I was allowed to postulate and define.  Now, you say, that I need to change some of those things in order to live the life that you want me to live?  Who’s life would I be living then?


You’ve had your life, you are living it.  You’ve gotten to make your choices.  Why should you get to make my choices for me now, as an adult?  Do you not trust your parenting enough to trust that I am making the best decision for me for my life, my love?  I am 35 years old, I have made mistakes, we all do.  Perhaps I have made more than you think that I “should” but who is really to judge that? You?  Do you have the right to judge my choices?


I have been telling you the same thing for over 14 years.  My heart loves deeply, strongly and without regard to gender.  I love you unconditionally and it hurts me so much to think that my mother and father won’t attend my wedding.  Life is so precious, we don’t know which breath is our last, why waste time disagreeing and withholding love trying to manipulate an action to what it is that you want?






I choose love.  I choose to live my life with honesty and with openness of my heart.  I love you Mom and Dad and I hope you’ll attend our wedding and celebrate the beginning of our life together.   Despite you not liking what you call a “choice” your presence does matter to me.


I have lived in the periphery for so long leaving part of me “in the garage” when I come into your house so as not to upset you.  The effect of leaving that part of me out in the cold has caused me serious pain and I can’t allow that pain to eat away at me anymore.


I love you Mom and Dad.



Your oldest daughter and soon to be bride




3 thoughts on “Dear Mom – a letter to my mother as I plan my wedding

  1. This was so beautifully written, I was at on the verge of tears. It saddens me deeply when parents do this to their kids. I really hope they open their eyes and choose to attend your wedding. If they don’t I am sure it will be a beautiful affair anyways, and they will have missed out on one of your greatest moments in life. Nothing is stronger than love.

  2. First of all, I find it funny that my best friend and I chose to comment this post. Peas in a pod, I swear.

    As for you letter to your mom. It breaks my heart! I don’t understand how parents let something so positive become so negative. I would understand if they didn’t approve of Jenn’s bad habits or her weird taste in music or her crazy ideals (if she even has any – she sounds fantastic!) Or like if she treated you horribly — But … just because she’s a woman? Such crap! Would they rather you be unhappy?! Jeez. If I was in your area, I’d show up (as a mom) at your wedding. Stand there in support. Everyone needs a mom on their wedding day.

    And … fyi, if Jenn’s momhas wifi access — she can be there. 😉 Googlehangouts, skype … video chats! =D

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *